i am a company

with many different branches of operations and so much transactions going on.

i'm not sure if i have much capability to be a ceo of this company, except that i have been granted a 'tenure' by the owner and founder.

thank God for tenure, no joke.

genuineness.

truth is so easy to say and communicate.
facts and figures, pictures and evidences.
point few fingers and it's done.

but how do you communicate genuineness, one's sincerity?
something that is so salient and clear in my heart yet without a physical form. where my evidences cannot overcome your doubts and lack of trust.

how could I prove that my words are genuine, that it is my sincerity in its purest. how can I make you see what needs no further explanation in my eyes.

I can't blame you, but I am so frustrated. how can I make you see, when my words might not be enough for you.

..why can't you see what is so obvious to me that I couldn't and didn't think of ways to explain it.
why can't you see.

!!

my mind

I don't understand myself sometime.

cindy, I don't know what you want, what you really want.

do you even know?

memory

is a funny thing.

I realized this when I stepped in at wawa in awhile at night yesterday, when I think about trivial things such as a facebook profile picture.

I will have to do a much better job for sake of my future memory protection.

:)
cindy foolishness

on love,

I love people.
I can say I love seeking knowledge, love the prospect of a vibrant future but that will be disrespecting the meaning of love.
I love people.

I highly value my logical orientation of justice over mercy, but people do weird things- they make me irrational, emotional and vulnerable.. and not care about it. On love, I do not play game theory- I give knowing I will never receive the same amount. I lose sanity of my psychology- I let people impact and influence me much pass its proposed effect. I am incapable of poker face, my honesty shines visibly on my every physical expression, on love. I'm thankful that this world was good to me, for family and friends who taught me how to love.

God but I love this person, please bring us together. God, help me love more, so that I may grow and please you, I ask.

but..what is human love, but another parcel of this world. Even as the object of the greatest command, it pales in comparison to God. I regard love, loving and being loved as if it's Kingdom on earth, as God Himself, when love is not God. God is God. I've been sinning by idolizing love.

perhaps it's because of my innate desire to seek perfection and purity that I've sinned.. to experience something so sublime beyond our capabilities, to transcend and become something greater than of this visceral body and limited intelligence. but I break and shatter when I face its limits, when I see the one thing I regard to be impenetrable brutally pierced. I am most stumbled when realizing that others' love for me and my love is actually really ugly, selfish, conditional, limited and nothing but a pathetic endeavor to fake intrinsic weakness and serve ourselves. It's anything but purity, divine, completeness and perfection. It's not God.

I realize now why my mom would tell me that God wants us to go to church on Sunday rather than go volunteer or help a sick person. What is the drive and end product of such actions- oh love, but a human love? love is good, but not good enough; it won't save me. As a fallen human, what will bring me closest to what my entire body desires, to purity, to perfect and divine that I seek so thirstily is praising God. Worshiping God with all my might, though its motives might bear human wickedness and selfishness, is really the best bet I have in obtaining sublime in this world.

I love you, I care about you, my heart weeps when I see you suffer. I will cry for you, I will be vulnerable, I will let you hurt me, bring down my pride and I will even kneel, easy.
but I'm not gonna fantasize to think that I can obtain selflessness, that I can obtain and give God through love. my words 'I love you' contains all of me. but at a heartbeat I will deny everything I am, my all to choose God. love is good, but not nearly as good as God. you are important but not as important as God. don't let me fool you. if I have to, I will deny you and run away so that I may praise and worship God.

God is God, nothing can represent who He is.

this is my frank manifestation on what I love the most in this world- on love.

lesson.

my new favorite psychological term, a better and more comprehensive alternative to my fascination in the idea of cognitive dissonance- conceptual consumption

why do people act economically foolish and opt for less physical/pleasurable/visible gain?
because there is more to life than that.

this cookie, this song has a different consumption value to me compared to you because it's not really about the cookie or the song.. it's about what is already going on in my head, what I make of it when I experience this utility.

thank God for this morning, mktg 960, michael norton, HBS and our mind's ability to conceptualize all that we can't see or explain. life makes so much more sense now :)

lack of trust

I'm not merely being reactive or passive.
I just do not wish to create something out of my own hands.

Meant to be will remain meant to be.. no human desire shall exert power over it.

I will ostensibly walk the only path that I've ever known. I will remain blind to the 'what could have beens'. I give up on trying.

Any sadness, regret or wanting are signals of lack of trust.

If I really trust You, I will not think twice about those that deviate from my principles. You will never have me compromise my integrity, all that I've been taught to seek. This is all I know.

give me Your eyes, I do not trust my own.

no slack

coming in terms with reality.. I don't have much resource slack to be distracted, to think about things that are out of my necessity and capability.. fluffy hopes, some prospects, underlying potentials and certain happy thoughts are luxuries that I just cannot afford at this moment.

please go away from me.

no, don't.

I cannot do otherwise

You said if we ask You will give and if we knock, the door will be open.

God, show me Your glory.

45 days

to the beginning of a beginning, cheers.

dead man walking.

grad schools..

things I need to consider right now:

-could I really live through another four years at Penn?
-opim or marketing, or both? (again, do I really want to come back to Penn that surely?)
-would I ever want to live in Ithaca for any reason?
-could I live off of a psych (not marketing) graduate stipend in new york?
-am I wasting my California residency by not applying to UC schools?
-why does Stern think that they are in the top five?

Do you have what it takes to get a PhD and become a tenure-track assistant professor in the next four years? Why you, why do you deserve this degree, this opportunity over hundreds of very qualified applicants?

because I couldn't care less about the means.
and calling preceds talent.