this semester-

all I know is that the best is yet to come.

wow,

I think I might have gotten 100 (1/5) on the final. Thank God there's no penalty for guessing like in AP Statistics exam or else it might not be a positive number.

at least college is done with :)

patience

patience, is what I need.

time please fly by.

"sometimes,"

"the best way to reclaim someone who is on the wrong path is to treat him not with suspicion but with trust; not as if you expected the worst, but as if you expected the best."

I wonder if I would be capable of such actions, it seems so counter to guarding your heart from disappointments.

math is hard.

I truly respect and admire anyone who excels in high level mathematics classes.. (those engineers and math majors!)

I think it's by far the most challenging and difficult academic subject, at least for me. though i'm a girl, i thought i wasn't too bad at math being able to take ap calculus as a sophomore and scoring perfect in sat/gre quantitative sections.. how wrong i was!!

perhaps it's just a matter of intelligence where my 'fail' stems, but I feel that comprehension of mathematics requires certain levels of tenacity and focus about a specific topic that I simply lack.. it demands something else than which that makes history and literature subjects so interesting for me.

stat 431, i hate you :(

game time.

I wish I had a higher pain tolerance...
such a weaksauce.

:)

90036 and happy weather, see you soon :)

new moon

(needs picture of course!)

this movie is crazy..
i wish i could find better words to express my take and response to this movie..
but.. wow.

the gentle and romantic soulmate who at once can throw down everything for love, including their relationship v.
the bold and ferocious younger guy who robustly protects his love from all dangers, especially from his own werewolf rage.

+ i'm "team jacob" according to jenn lee, the greatest twilight-fan I know. (sorry edward, but you are nonetheless ridiculously breathtakingly muh-shee-suh :] )

so, so interesting.

new york city.

:D

very immature,

but can't stop watching Shinee music videos as a study break.
..this is what happens when I hang out too much with the sophomore girls, sigh.

my favorite :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgYk6xRAl6c

hot

anything, anything, that burns too quickly will lose its flame and be rapidly quenched.

I don't want a passionate flame, I want an irrepressible light.

time is nothing.

people.

"사람을 얻는자가 천하를 얻는다"

how hard must it be to earn people that whomever earns them will earn the world?

important lesson from a korean drama.

GOOD sermon-

for our unrivaled loyalty to God.

http://www.amichurches.com/mp3/value_of_solitude_8_6_09_pastor_steve.mp3

maybe

maybe unfortunate situations, misunderstandings and frustrations
are God's way of closing doors.

maybe it's a dramatized and affect-laden way to construe a simple no.

maybe it's just that.

who are you

to ask so much of my time.
to propel me to engage in deep personality analysis about a literary character.
to make me plunge into your world.

let me go... pleaseee?

I want.

I just want an extraordinary life... that's all.

economic downturn

is now affecting my application process.

time to live out what has been shown in regret literature and remove options.

I won't get the desired training at a policy school anyway.

bye kennedy, and I will tell you now that I've never understood your grad student with overwhelming British accent. no phone calls.

i am a company

with many different branches of operations and so much transactions going on.

i'm not sure if i have much capability to be a ceo of this company, except that i have been granted a 'tenure' by the owner and founder.

thank God for tenure, no joke.

genuineness.

truth is so easy to say and communicate.
facts and figures, pictures and evidences.
point few fingers and it's done.

but how do you communicate genuineness, one's sincerity?
something that is so salient and clear in my heart yet without a physical form. where my evidences cannot overcome your doubts and lack of trust.

how could I prove that my words are genuine, that it is my sincerity in its purest. how can I make you see what needs no further explanation in my eyes.

I can't blame you, but I am so frustrated. how can I make you see, when my words might not be enough for you.

..why can't you see what is so obvious to me that I couldn't and didn't think of ways to explain it.
why can't you see.

!!

my mind

I don't understand myself sometime.

cindy, I don't know what you want, what you really want.

do you even know?

memory

is a funny thing.

I realized this when I stepped in at wawa in awhile at night yesterday, when I think about trivial things such as a facebook profile picture.

I will have to do a much better job for sake of my future memory protection.

:)
cindy foolishness

on love,

I love people.
I can say I love seeking knowledge, love the prospect of a vibrant future but that will be disrespecting the meaning of love.
I love people.

I highly value my logical orientation of justice over mercy, but people do weird things- they make me irrational, emotional and vulnerable.. and not care about it. On love, I do not play game theory- I give knowing I will never receive the same amount. I lose sanity of my psychology- I let people impact and influence me much pass its proposed effect. I am incapable of poker face, my honesty shines visibly on my every physical expression, on love. I'm thankful that this world was good to me, for family and friends who taught me how to love.

God but I love this person, please bring us together. God, help me love more, so that I may grow and please you, I ask.

but..what is human love, but another parcel of this world. Even as the object of the greatest command, it pales in comparison to God. I regard love, loving and being loved as if it's Kingdom on earth, as God Himself, when love is not God. God is God. I've been sinning by idolizing love.

perhaps it's because of my innate desire to seek perfection and purity that I've sinned.. to experience something so sublime beyond our capabilities, to transcend and become something greater than of this visceral body and limited intelligence. but I break and shatter when I face its limits, when I see the one thing I regard to be impenetrable brutally pierced. I am most stumbled when realizing that others' love for me and my love is actually really ugly, selfish, conditional, limited and nothing but a pathetic endeavor to fake intrinsic weakness and serve ourselves. It's anything but purity, divine, completeness and perfection. It's not God.

I realize now why my mom would tell me that God wants us to go to church on Sunday rather than go volunteer or help a sick person. What is the drive and end product of such actions- oh love, but a human love? love is good, but not good enough; it won't save me. As a fallen human, what will bring me closest to what my entire body desires, to purity, to perfect and divine that I seek so thirstily is praising God. Worshiping God with all my might, though its motives might bear human wickedness and selfishness, is really the best bet I have in obtaining sublime in this world.

I love you, I care about you, my heart weeps when I see you suffer. I will cry for you, I will be vulnerable, I will let you hurt me, bring down my pride and I will even kneel, easy.
but I'm not gonna fantasize to think that I can obtain selflessness, that I can obtain and give God through love. my words 'I love you' contains all of me. but at a heartbeat I will deny everything I am, my all to choose God. love is good, but not nearly as good as God. you are important but not as important as God. don't let me fool you. if I have to, I will deny you and run away so that I may praise and worship God.

God is God, nothing can represent who He is.

this is my frank manifestation on what I love the most in this world- on love.

lesson.

my new favorite psychological term, a better and more comprehensive alternative to my fascination in the idea of cognitive dissonance- conceptual consumption

why do people act economically foolish and opt for less physical/pleasurable/visible gain?
because there is more to life than that.

this cookie, this song has a different consumption value to me compared to you because it's not really about the cookie or the song.. it's about what is already going on in my head, what I make of it when I experience this utility.

thank God for this morning, mktg 960, michael norton, HBS and our mind's ability to conceptualize all that we can't see or explain. life makes so much more sense now :)

lack of trust

I'm not merely being reactive or passive.
I just do not wish to create something out of my own hands.

Meant to be will remain meant to be.. no human desire shall exert power over it.

I will ostensibly walk the only path that I've ever known. I will remain blind to the 'what could have beens'. I give up on trying.

Any sadness, regret or wanting are signals of lack of trust.

If I really trust You, I will not think twice about those that deviate from my principles. You will never have me compromise my integrity, all that I've been taught to seek. This is all I know.

give me Your eyes, I do not trust my own.

no slack

coming in terms with reality.. I don't have much resource slack to be distracted, to think about things that are out of my necessity and capability.. fluffy hopes, some prospects, underlying potentials and certain happy thoughts are luxuries that I just cannot afford at this moment.

please go away from me.

no, don't.

I cannot do otherwise

You said if we ask You will give and if we knock, the door will be open.

God, show me Your glory.

45 days

to the beginning of a beginning, cheers.

dead man walking.

grad schools..

things I need to consider right now:

-could I really live through another four years at Penn?
-opim or marketing, or both? (again, do I really want to come back to Penn that surely?)
-would I ever want to live in Ithaca for any reason?
-could I live off of a psych (not marketing) graduate stipend in new york?
-am I wasting my California residency by not applying to UC schools?
-why does Stern think that they are in the top five?

Do you have what it takes to get a PhD and become a tenure-track assistant professor in the next four years? Why you, why do you deserve this degree, this opportunity over hundreds of very qualified applicants?

because I couldn't care less about the means.
and calling preceds talent.

being sick

is like falling off of road when playing Mario Kart. Even as you play with all your might and passion it is uncertain that you will make it to the final four so that you do not turn into a dust in a gloom background at the end of race and advance. Hence, falling off the road and helplessly waiting for that round figure on a cloud come and pick you up at a speed of indeed a floating cloud,
feels like an extra 400 miles added to the race.

I do not mind taking a day off to rest and heal. I just hope that my life and time would stop and rest here with me.
:(

home

where is 'home'?

is it where your stuff is?
where your parents are?
a place you spent the most time growing up?
a place you lived most recently?
where most of your friends live?
where you are always welcome to go back?
where you just feel 'at home'?

i'm confused.

depletion

i do not want anymore.

i don't want to go to new york. i don't want to go to princeton.
i don't want another exciting opportunity of advancement or another chocolate cupcake.
i'm not to make a goal of fully exploiting experiential pleasure, yet I remain as slave to the anticipatory utility.

i want to rest my soul, achieve internal peace and make time for prayer and meditation.

i am depleted.

living it out.

thanks to tiff ng for this email :)

http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php
My Utmost For His HighestOctober 21, 2009Impulsiveness or Discipleship?

Discipleship is built entirely on the supernatural grace of God. Walking on water is easy to someone with impulsive boldness, but walking on dry land as a disciple of Jesus Christ is something altogether different. Peter walked on the water to go to Jesus, but he "followed Him at a distance" on dry land ( Mark 14:54 ). We do not need the grace of God to withstand crises—human nature and pride are sufficient for us to face the stress and strain magnificently. But it does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours of every day as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God—but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people—and this is not learned in five minutes.

bad.

second semester senior year was bad.
I do not desire to go back to time at all.

everything.

i think i might be able to afford to do everything i must do by the end of this year.
wow, what a delightful thought!

hi darwin.

i think one of the most overlooked yet very fascinating branch of psychology is evolutionary psychology. it just explains everything, or at least attempts to.

trying to imagine my ancestors pwning the other now obviated gene carriers is quite a funny thought, yet even better, it callously untangles and demotes this soul-searching, depress-prone modern life to be just a complicated byproduct of a simple game, a humble desire. to survive.

life just got so much more real, humans are forced to step down from their grandiose pedestals.

TRANSCEND

must must transcend this boredom!

it is

still not my time to shine.. not yet.

<3

love my lab.
love my research.
love reading papers.
love feeling passionate, stimulated and challenged of my limits.
love the prospect of what I can do with what I'm given.

love God for His all-mightiness to make anything out of someone small like me.
true <3. thank God i'm alive!

seize the chance

God is really opening doors and paving the path for me.
I have less and less options towards slacking off and taking the easy road.

God, you really want me to do this, you really do want to use me.
I'm amazed and humbled.

look what you've done.

look what i'm doing for you..

:)

I know it's worth it. you are worth it.

maslow's hierarchy of needs

physiological
safety
love/belonging
esteem
self-actualization


what need is not being met for me to transcend this customary day?

absolute truth 1

1. you must study at a DESK, not on the bed, floor, carpet, etc. a DESK!!

summer breeze.

where is my heaven? where are you.
waiting for you, desperately.

come, I won't be tempted again.

looking back-

alternative universe does not exist.

satisfaction.

God, will you satisfy me?

face on.

because there's still a fire in my heart, something that is still craving to be fully blossom, to thrive and flower uninhibited

life...

is like a treadmill. you need to be constantly running just to stay in the same place. there is no break, and time does not ever freeze.

man.

character:
responsible, loyal, determined, truthful.. someone who has fully internalized the truth that good is good and wrong is wrong.

intelligence:
I use to say that I'm going to marry the smartest man I know.. though I cannot claim to put such validity and trust in this trait, there is no doubt that intelligence is undeniably important (and sexy).

personality:
shy confidence blazing through his quiet, poised and ruminating appearance. or, an inward diffident humility covertly visible in midst of his overwhelming presence. something of unpredictability, something of a pleasant surprise.

always to the stars

"Here I stand. I cannot do otherwise. God help me. Amen"
-Martin Luther

impulsivity.

whenever I'm reading about research on personality, there is always a personality categorized for being very 'impulsive.' these are usually artist/creators who advance our civilizations artisit endeavors through their creative and impulsive minds. so.. is true work only created through spurts of dopamine, an instant and rapid blurts of genius mind, and not through.. hard, diligent work, that of someone who will be categorized as an 'administrator'?

giving.

truly courageous, confident and self-respecting people are not afraid of giving. they are not afraid of being taken advantage of, because they know that even if they keep giving, they will not give away what contributes to their core. And anything aside of it, is free for all.

new york city

..where I want to be.

perfection

being perfect in one direction or the other, the coherence manifested in every part of one's body, wish and soul is truly beautiful. complete perfection of any kind is a beauty in its highest form.

adaptation

It might be in mine and my ancestors nature to have evolved through acing adaptation.
I feel so shallow, so evanescent in realizing that it is not that hard to move on. there is nothing that I cannot live with, no one that I will forever long for and miss once they are taken away from me.

really, it's not that hard to move on. life goes on without my most accustomed habits.

perhaps there is no regrets when I really do give my all.
whether too seemingly attached or too shallow, i'm doing fine. this is me, in my most basic human form. adaptation has triumphed once again.