um..

i can't spell Manhatthan bah, the red underline again!!
Manhathan
Manhatthan
Manhatan
Manhattan

YES!

the saltwater room

Time together isn't ever quite enough

When we're apart whatever are you thinking of?

What will it take to make or break this hint of love?

So tell me darling.. do you wish we'd fall in love?

all the time.

pity

philly, seattle, los angles, seoul, new york.

i feel like that guy from 500 days of summer.
i still can't get over it.

:/

sense and sensibility

written on 5/8/10.

"Why are they the planet's masters of verbal diplomacy, but still so inept at home government? Why are they so individually valiant, yet so collectively unsuccessful as an army? How can they be such shrewd merchants on the personal level, yet such inefficient capitalists as a nation?

..a sad Italian history of corruption by local leaders and exploitation by foreign dominators, all of which has generally led Italians to draw the seemingly accurate conclusion that nobody and nothing in this world can be trusted. Because the world is so corrupted, misspoken, unstable, exaggerated and unfair, one should trust only what one can experience with one's own senses, and this makes the senses stronger in Italy than anywhere in Europe. This is why Italians will tolerate hideously incompetent generals, presidents, tyrants, professors, bureaucrats, journalists and captains of industry, but will never tolerate incompetent "opera singers, conductors, ballerinas, courtesans, actors, film directors, cooks tailors..." In a world of disorder and disaster and fraud, sometimes only beauty can be trusted. Only artisitc excellence is incorruptible. Pleasure cannot be bargained down. And sometimes the meal is the only currency that is real."

-Eat, Pray, Love, p.114

I lied during my high school graduation speech, as a kid, I probably wasn't all that curious about this world. why would I be when world seemed indisputable. i probably never asked questions like "WHO AM I" not only due to lack of such cognitive ability but because there was no need, probably until a random kid started disliking me for God knows what reason- no reason. I probably became less secure, more confused, less trusting, more fearful, less faithful and more clingy, as I encountered more and more of those what I call 'zombi moments' (inspired by the scariest movie ever '28 weeks later') where my once dad is now a zombie and my completely viable argument that he probably shouldn't eat me because i'm his daughter doesn't seem to work. maybe world works backwards. I might actually know less as years go by as I keep having to cross off things from my list of "this I know is logical and true."

as my tool to navigate in this world, i chose sensibility.

i can make an addition to my most sacred society of truths if I can understand why and can make sense of it. I was never 'disciplined' growing up because my parents knew better not to waste anyone's time yelling again and again what to do. they knew that if they could convince me to understand why they are telling me to do it, 100 Kumon math problems or eat vegetables, even as a little kid, I'd do them without a complaint. this is why one of the incontestable truth on my list is that of all the bad things I could be, i'm not stubborn, though this has been challenged by the annoyingly persistent motion that 'i'm always in denial.'

but coping is not curing, and it still hurts.

I'm astounded at myself that, even after 22 years, I'm yet still affected by the lack of perfection in this world. I'm still surprised at seeing the most immutable beliefs change, things aren't the way they appear, theories differ from the actual happenings, good might not actually be good and very small portion of anything in this world could be set in stone as 'the truth.' when I see argument and counter-arguments, what i believe is like "omg so true" is not so true with new encounters of people, when I encounter "truths" but then-there's-these-quotation-around-it-sort-of-deal, etc., i want to cry like a little child crying of all the offensiveness and unjustness.

I don't really know anything.

yet I so desire to find a sense of peace and settlement with all that I see, believe and live with. It would be so much easier if life was binomial, just black and white.

so i'm going to try something else and pick a new weapon for my life's journey- sense.

i will not do the cost-benefit analysis, trade-off calculations and leave my brain economic-free. instead, i will sense and believe in its pureness felt on my lips, my ears and my sight.

in other words, i'm going to have faith that what is good is good.

hello seattle.

'loving'

if you are really trying to be loving to someone, should you give them the truth, your sincere honesty or let them hear what they want to hear?

I don't think the answer is as obvious as it seems.

bittersweet

me: i guess nostalgic?

but it's not like i'm thinking about the good old times

but like this feeling of 'blank'

at this incomprehension

w/ any hope of understanding removed

so just in this blank stage knowing that this is supposed to be emotional/painful

i feel like i'm going through a horrifyingly painful surgery and i know it in my head

yet i have a anesthetic (idk how to spell it lol) inserted

so i dont actually feel anything

but it's like i KNOW that it's supposed to hurt alot

motivation

the hard part is that no one asked me to be here.
i must justify my rights to live, breathe, love and pursue whatever i want to go after.

this place must not be heaven.

hup bup-

http://www.dailycandy.com/philadelphia/article/76439/Hub-Bub-Coffee-Opens

i like this guy!

happy

sometimes, I just like being with people who are happy, delightful and cheerful.

those people are so lucky.. but i'm lucky to have them in my life :)

diakanos-

<3

Lazarus

if i'm sick, even at a very dire stage, I might put my faith in a doctor, drugs, or my own body.

but if i die, i will have no choice but to put my hope in a deity, desperately clinging on to the only being that can help undo death.

God, come for me.

trusting.

I read somewhere this definition of courage-

courage is not being oblivious to fear; it's pressing onward despite the fear.

trusting may be the same-

it might not be merely remaining blind to the discouraging sequence of events, illogical explanations, or unconvincing odds. rather, trusting may be believing nonetheless.

no,

come find me.

:)

choice

yes, you can change your behavior.

you can get yourself to do anything you want whether it's getting over that heartache, waking up earlier in the morning or depending only on God.

yes, this is possible-
when there is no other option.
..when you are unwillingly or willingly placed in a situation where you cannot do otherwise.

sometimes, this is the only way we humans learn.

but God, I pray that I may choose Your will even amongst plethora of choices.

:D

my last days at philadelphia, my last hours as a 22-years old.. every moment is too precious.

camera coming soon :D

changing

at times i miss happy little kindergartner cindy, for life was simple and my brooding not deep. but i'm learning how to be happy in midst of more exposure to this world and my deeper inquiries. i may not be happier in an affectionate or emotional means, but i could be in a logical and coldly cognitive manner.

i'm happier because i'm wiser.

i feel that God has allowed my past year at Penn/philly, what could be conceived as somewhat unnecessary, in order to finalize and stabilize my birth. my earlier years have been a struggle of a newborn baby hopelessly trying to get back into the mother's womb, desiring comfort and security while denying this new foreign world she was unwillingly placed. it was a time filled with much fear, self-defenses and cries out of pain.

the pain upon the realization of this separation and the fear of growing and changing.

my recent growth has spurted from the admittance that I cannot go back. i've been trying to reunite with my Creator by walking backwards, trying to go back into the womb that i came from. i lived by closing my eyes and ears to the impurities of this world, trying to stay as naive, intact and innocent in hopes to prolong my condition at birth and avoiding events/peoples who may hamper this. how foolish. i've realized that the womb is closed, this fallen world is the reality, there is no going back but only walking forward if i want to meet God again. it took a bit of deprivation, separation and disillusionment which really hurt and which i thought at times would completely shatter me. but by being shattered, i'm being rebuilt to a creature who can truly rejoice in God and in God only. and through it all, i'm definitely a bit more close to God.

there are many things i want to change and develop within myself- how my brain is wired, my unexplainable natural attractions/reactions to random things, my past mistakes and others' rightful perception of me formed from those.. but most and foremost, I want to blossom into a wise woman.

i learned from a sermon that freedom is not about doing whatever I want to do whenever I want, but being able to choose and be in control of what I want to do whenever. becoming more cognizant about the realities of this world, i thought happiness might be a privilege to those who can live out 'ignorance is bliss.' but even to me, who has a craving for truth and are prone to think, wonder and question, God has graced overwhelming joy to be obtained not through simplicity and innocence but wisdom and growth.

..i'm happy :)

God, i'm glad that i could smile for you, today a bit more meaningfully than yesterday.

thank you for never giving up on me.

slogan

i don't enjoy just watching sports games - i'd rather learn how to play it. i can't easily get myself to keep up with tv dramas with very captivating synopsis- i'd rather live it.

though i've always been big on devising and revising the manual on how to live,

this semester,
i want to play this life.

"cinderella complex"

(title of a book my dad (!) gave my mom twenty-five years ago.. Yonsei University is indeed a very liberal school)

forget grad school, stocks, or trying to do any good with my meager talents. if someone could fund me and provide for me so I can just play in the kitchen with the newest recipes, read/read/read, try all varieties of coffee flavors, take time to master Adobe Creative suite and learn how to make a website, travel around europe, not miss a single sales event, do yoga & pilates and roll around with my kids, i will not mind... i also would not mind the free protection and service- it would be nice to not have to do anything risky, burdensome, perplexing and stressful with my two hands and one head ever again... and who would?
after all, i just want to be taken care of.

i guess this may be what a girl may deserve for winning a man's adoration, but i think it's too good to be true. it sounds heavenly.

i just want to avoid the tragedy of my most beloved man having to compete with God.

i want what i can perceive with all my senses, not the associated and imagined externalities. i want to love the person and what this love has done for me, not what the person can do for me.

oh apple.

iPad?

future-

the future isn't ahead of us, but behind us.

what gazes us from the front are the things that already happened- the past glories and the past failures. we must make more deliberate attempts to turn back and look onto our future compared to the past which is much easier to conjure up.

i want to turn my head away from the good times and the bad times as they make me forget to turn my head back to where the future is.

bad times, i'm sure you existed for a reason. i grew.
good times, i'm thankful that you were there. it was a good time.
but let's move on.

art

or 'playing around' with our emotions, feelings and desires.

i want you to want me.
http://iwantyoutowantme.org/credits.html

we feel fine!
http://wefeelfine.org/index.html

lovelines.
http://www.love-lines.com/lovelines.html

combining computer science, narrative, statistics & visual arts to explore and explain this world.

jonathan harris & sep kamvar.. freaking geniuses.

rainy day

when it's raining, what I need the most isn't an umbrella-
what I really need is someone who will run with me through the rain.

i don't have the power to stop the rain, nor do I own an umbrella.
but if you don't mind,

..i can run with you.

:)

roots.

i've only recently learned that both of my grandpas crossed over from North Korea.
so much part of my roots is stemmed in a land that is physically unreachable.. i really hope such won't be the case in the near future.

dream

dream shall not be a zero-sum game.
it ought to be communal, what we all desire.

i don't want my dream to be fulfilled by taking away someone else's hope.
i can't ask another to support my dream if it's not something others want to see it actualized as well.

my dream shall be unbreakable because it is not just my own.

what I can do

모든게 변한다. 진심을 다하면 적어도 나는 바뀔테니까.
내가 바뀌면 모든게 바뀐다
...그렇게 믿고 있다.

love like this.

can there really be a simple & cute love story like this?

(outside the fanatical imagination of female screenwriters!)

a love that triumphs dap dap hae situations for two people who are just meant to be, to come together.

I will

let go of the triviality I have been tightly holding on, so that I may grasp something incomparably greater.

this year, i think i'm going to expect more and hope for better.
i'm choosing trust over interest, faith over logic and people over pride.

i will question as if my head is a blank slate.
i will work as if my life depended on it.
i will smile as if i know no other expression.
i will give as if i had an infinite amount.

i will love as if i've never been hurt before.

i'm going to dream the impossible.
because.. there is no other option.

my spring of life, unsettled, uncertain & unpredictable (and unpaid!) but filled with potentiality.
press on :)