at times i miss happy little kindergartner cindy, for life was simple and my brooding not deep. but i'm learning how to be happy in midst of more exposure to this world and my deeper inquiries. i may not be happier in an affectionate or emotional means, but i could be in a logical and coldly cognitive manner.
i'm happier because i'm wiser.
i feel that God has allowed my past year at Penn/philly, what could be conceived as somewhat unnecessary, in order to finalize and stabilize my birth. my earlier years have been a struggle of a newborn baby hopelessly trying to get back into the mother's womb, desiring comfort and security while denying this new foreign world she was unwillingly placed. it was a time filled with much fear, self-defenses and cries out of pain.
the pain upon the realization of this separation and the fear of growing and changing.
my recent growth has spurted from the admittance that I cannot go back. i've been trying to reunite with my Creator by walking backwards, trying to go back into the womb that i came from. i lived by closing my eyes and ears to the impurities of this world, trying to stay as naive, intact and innocent in hopes to prolong my condition at birth and avoiding events/peoples who may hamper this. how foolish. i've realized that the womb is closed, this fallen world is the reality, there is no going back but only walking forward if i want to meet God again. it took a bit of deprivation, separation and disillusionment which really hurt and which i thought at times would completely shatter me. but by being shattered, i'm being rebuilt to a creature who can truly rejoice in God and in God only. and through it all, i'm definitely a bit more close to God.
there are many things i want to change and develop within myself- how my brain is wired, my unexplainable natural attractions/reactions to random things, my past mistakes and others' rightful perception of me formed from those.. but most and foremost, I want to blossom into a wise woman.
i learned from a sermon that freedom is not about doing whatever I want to do whenever I want, but being able to choose and be in control of what I want to do whenever. becoming more cognizant about the realities of this world, i thought happiness might be a privilege to those who can live out 'ignorance is bliss.' but even to me, who has a craving for truth and are prone to think, wonder and question, God has graced overwhelming joy to be obtained not through simplicity and innocence but wisdom and growth.
..i'm happy :)
God, i'm glad that i could smile for you, today a bit more meaningfully than yesterday.
thank you for never giving up on me.
