Lazarus

if i'm sick, even at a very dire stage, I might put my faith in a doctor, drugs, or my own body.

but if i die, i will have no choice but to put my hope in a deity, desperately clinging on to the only being that can help undo death.

God, come for me.

trusting.

I read somewhere this definition of courage-

courage is not being oblivious to fear; it's pressing onward despite the fear.

trusting may be the same-

it might not be merely remaining blind to the discouraging sequence of events, illogical explanations, or unconvincing odds. rather, trusting may be believing nonetheless.

no,

come find me.

:)

choice

yes, you can change your behavior.

you can get yourself to do anything you want whether it's getting over that heartache, waking up earlier in the morning or depending only on God.

yes, this is possible-
when there is no other option.
..when you are unwillingly or willingly placed in a situation where you cannot do otherwise.

sometimes, this is the only way we humans learn.

but God, I pray that I may choose Your will even amongst plethora of choices.

:D

my last days at philadelphia, my last hours as a 22-years old.. every moment is too precious.

camera coming soon :D

changing

at times i miss happy little kindergartner cindy, for life was simple and my brooding not deep. but i'm learning how to be happy in midst of more exposure to this world and my deeper inquiries. i may not be happier in an affectionate or emotional means, but i could be in a logical and coldly cognitive manner.

i'm happier because i'm wiser.

i feel that God has allowed my past year at Penn/philly, what could be conceived as somewhat unnecessary, in order to finalize and stabilize my birth. my earlier years have been a struggle of a newborn baby hopelessly trying to get back into the mother's womb, desiring comfort and security while denying this new foreign world she was unwillingly placed. it was a time filled with much fear, self-defenses and cries out of pain.

the pain upon the realization of this separation and the fear of growing and changing.

my recent growth has spurted from the admittance that I cannot go back. i've been trying to reunite with my Creator by walking backwards, trying to go back into the womb that i came from. i lived by closing my eyes and ears to the impurities of this world, trying to stay as naive, intact and innocent in hopes to prolong my condition at birth and avoiding events/peoples who may hamper this. how foolish. i've realized that the womb is closed, this fallen world is the reality, there is no going back but only walking forward if i want to meet God again. it took a bit of deprivation, separation and disillusionment which really hurt and which i thought at times would completely shatter me. but by being shattered, i'm being rebuilt to a creature who can truly rejoice in God and in God only. and through it all, i'm definitely a bit more close to God.

there are many things i want to change and develop within myself- how my brain is wired, my unexplainable natural attractions/reactions to random things, my past mistakes and others' rightful perception of me formed from those.. but most and foremost, I want to blossom into a wise woman.

i learned from a sermon that freedom is not about doing whatever I want to do whenever I want, but being able to choose and be in control of what I want to do whenever. becoming more cognizant about the realities of this world, i thought happiness might be a privilege to those who can live out 'ignorance is bliss.' but even to me, who has a craving for truth and are prone to think, wonder and question, God has graced overwhelming joy to be obtained not through simplicity and innocence but wisdom and growth.

..i'm happy :)

God, i'm glad that i could smile for you, today a bit more meaningfully than yesterday.

thank you for never giving up on me.

slogan

i don't enjoy just watching sports games - i'd rather learn how to play it. i can't easily get myself to keep up with tv dramas with very captivating synopsis- i'd rather live it.

though i've always been big on devising and revising the manual on how to live,

this semester,
i want to play this life.