being sick

is like falling off of road when playing Mario Kart. Even as you play with all your might and passion it is uncertain that you will make it to the final four so that you do not turn into a dust in a gloom background at the end of race and advance. Hence, falling off the road and helplessly waiting for that round figure on a cloud come and pick you up at a speed of indeed a floating cloud,
feels like an extra 400 miles added to the race.

I do not mind taking a day off to rest and heal. I just hope that my life and time would stop and rest here with me.
:(

home

where is 'home'?

is it where your stuff is?
where your parents are?
a place you spent the most time growing up?
a place you lived most recently?
where most of your friends live?
where you are always welcome to go back?
where you just feel 'at home'?

i'm confused.

depletion

i do not want anymore.

i don't want to go to new york. i don't want to go to princeton.
i don't want another exciting opportunity of advancement or another chocolate cupcake.
i'm not to make a goal of fully exploiting experiential pleasure, yet I remain as slave to the anticipatory utility.

i want to rest my soul, achieve internal peace and make time for prayer and meditation.

i am depleted.

living it out.

thanks to tiff ng for this email :)

http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php
My Utmost For His HighestOctober 21, 2009Impulsiveness or Discipleship?

Discipleship is built entirely on the supernatural grace of God. Walking on water is easy to someone with impulsive boldness, but walking on dry land as a disciple of Jesus Christ is something altogether different. Peter walked on the water to go to Jesus, but he "followed Him at a distance" on dry land ( Mark 14:54 ). We do not need the grace of God to withstand crises—human nature and pride are sufficient for us to face the stress and strain magnificently. But it does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours of every day as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God—but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people—and this is not learned in five minutes.

bad.

second semester senior year was bad.
I do not desire to go back to time at all.

everything.

i think i might be able to afford to do everything i must do by the end of this year.
wow, what a delightful thought!

hi darwin.

i think one of the most overlooked yet very fascinating branch of psychology is evolutionary psychology. it just explains everything, or at least attempts to.

trying to imagine my ancestors pwning the other now obviated gene carriers is quite a funny thought, yet even better, it callously untangles and demotes this soul-searching, depress-prone modern life to be just a complicated byproduct of a simple game, a humble desire. to survive.

life just got so much more real, humans are forced to step down from their grandiose pedestals.

TRANSCEND

must must transcend this boredom!

it is

still not my time to shine.. not yet.

<3

love my lab.
love my research.
love reading papers.
love feeling passionate, stimulated and challenged of my limits.
love the prospect of what I can do with what I'm given.

love God for His all-mightiness to make anything out of someone small like me.
true <3. thank God i'm alive!

seize the chance

God is really opening doors and paving the path for me.
I have less and less options towards slacking off and taking the easy road.

God, you really want me to do this, you really do want to use me.
I'm amazed and humbled.

look what you've done.

look what i'm doing for you..

:)

I know it's worth it. you are worth it.

maslow's hierarchy of needs

physiological
safety
love/belonging
esteem
self-actualization


what need is not being met for me to transcend this customary day?